Sahail AshrafRewards System Gone Wrong
February 8th 2007 10:01
Not having a clue how to go about this potty training business with Princess Toddler, I bought a book on the subject a few weeks ago. Firstly, I read up on signs to look out for that indicates your child is ready to commence potty training. It seemed all systems go, according to the book anyhow. Except for the part on your child following instructions.
It’s not that Princess Toddler is incapable of following my instructions. It’s more a case of her not always choosing to do so – a politely put way of describing the new struggles with dressing, having her nappy changed and putting on shoes. As she comes close to her second birthday following instructions is something she, along with a million other toddlers, is determined NOT to do.
So, the book was great on this front. It recommended creating a star chart, saying it’s useful for toddlers from the age of 18 months. I was a bit hesitant at first about the rewards system idea, but it was starting to sound like a good idea, as daily tasks increasingly became a trial. So I set about busily writing up a few instructions like ‘getting dressed’, ‘packing away toys’ with the long-term goal of adding ‘sitting on the potty.’ I bought a packet of stars and away we went.
The first star offering went pretty well. There was the usual battle about having a nappy change so I drew a cross on the star chart next to ‘nappy change’ and told Princess Toddler that she could have a star after having her nappy changed. She promptly lied down for the change. A first for her I can tell you. I then proceeded to place the promised shiny star over the cross. But then Princess Toddler wanted another star. And not one stuck to a page. I quickly diverted her attention to another activity and all was calm again.
Next was getting dressed. Princess Toddler ran away from me the moment I even mentioned the dreaded words. Usually dressing involves a lot of racing around on my part, and putting clothes on dolls and myself before she concedes to wearing them herself. So again I dangled the carrot; a star for getting dressed. Dressing had never been so easy. A star was again placed over the cross. This time Princess Toddler was not so easily diverted from the stars though and demanded ‘star,’ ‘star.’ I eventually gave in and handed her one gold star. The demands for ‘more star’ continued for a while until food provided a welcome distraction.
The last and final attempt at the star chart came before bed when I asked Princess Toddler to pack up her toys. I asked her to put her Little People in the box and then she could have a star. All seemed to be going exceptionally well. Three Little People made it into the box. That’s three better than the previous night. But then the last two did not make it to the box. Instead, the mechanic was slid down the slide, walked up the elevator and toppled from the roof. My gentle reminders about packing away toys in exchange for a star fell on deaf ears and Princess Toddler did not settle well into her usual evening routine.
After a failed attempt at reading a story (something she will usually sit happily for) and an uneaten bedtime snack, I put Princess Toddler to bed. Usually she settles very well. If she doesn’t fall straight to sleep she’s usually happy to entertain herself, talking away, until she drifts off into the land of nod. But not this night. This night she cried and called out. When I went in to resettle her she was really distressed. She was crying out what I thought was ‘bath,’ ‘bath.’ I was patting her on the back, telling her she’d already had a bath. But it turned out the cry was not for a bath. As her screams turned to sobs she became a little more intelligible and I discovered the word being uttered was ‘star,’ ‘star.’ She was distraught because she had not received that last star. What an awful mother! I raced out and got her a star, gave her a big hug, told her what a good girl she is. She settled straight to sleep after that.
Needless to say, the star chart has been pulled down. The stars have all now been happily stuck on paper – with a little help from Mum. And I guess that potty training might have to wait a little longer.
It’s not that Princess Toddler is incapable of following my instructions. It’s more a case of her not always choosing to do so – a politely put way of describing the new struggles with dressing, having her nappy changed and putting on shoes. As she comes close to her second birthday following instructions is something she, along with a million other toddlers, is determined NOT to do.
So, the book was great on this front. It recommended creating a star chart, saying it’s useful for toddlers from the age of 18 months. I was a bit hesitant at first about the rewards system idea, but it was starting to sound like a good idea, as daily tasks increasingly became a trial. So I set about busily writing up a few instructions like ‘getting dressed’, ‘packing away toys’ with the long-term goal of adding ‘sitting on the potty.’ I bought a packet of stars and away we went.
The first star offering went pretty well. There was the usual battle about having a nappy change so I drew a cross on the star chart next to ‘nappy change’ and told Princess Toddler that she could have a star after having her nappy changed. She promptly lied down for the change. A first for her I can tell you. I then proceeded to place the promised shiny star over the cross. But then Princess Toddler wanted another star. And not one stuck to a page. I quickly diverted her attention to another activity and all was calm again.
Next was getting dressed. Princess Toddler ran away from me the moment I even mentioned the dreaded words. Usually dressing involves a lot of racing around on my part, and putting clothes on dolls and myself before she concedes to wearing them herself. So again I dangled the carrot; a star for getting dressed. Dressing had never been so easy. A star was again placed over the cross. This time Princess Toddler was not so easily diverted from the stars though and demanded ‘star,’ ‘star.’ I eventually gave in and handed her one gold star. The demands for ‘more star’ continued for a while until food provided a welcome distraction.
The last and final attempt at the star chart came before bed when I asked Princess Toddler to pack up her toys. I asked her to put her Little People in the box and then she could have a star. All seemed to be going exceptionally well. Three Little People made it into the box. That’s three better than the previous night. But then the last two did not make it to the box. Instead, the mechanic was slid down the slide, walked up the elevator and toppled from the roof. My gentle reminders about packing away toys in exchange for a star fell on deaf ears and Princess Toddler did not settle well into her usual evening routine.
After a failed attempt at reading a story (something she will usually sit happily for) and an uneaten bedtime snack, I put Princess Toddler to bed. Usually she settles very well. If she doesn’t fall straight to sleep she’s usually happy to entertain herself, talking away, until she drifts off into the land of nod. But not this night. This night she cried and called out. When I went in to resettle her she was really distressed. She was crying out what I thought was ‘bath,’ ‘bath.’ I was patting her on the back, telling her she’d already had a bath. But it turned out the cry was not for a bath. As her screams turned to sobs she became a little more intelligible and I discovered the word being uttered was ‘star,’ ‘star.’ She was distraught because she had not received that last star. What an awful mother! I raced out and got her a star, gave her a big hug, told her what a good girl she is. She settled straight to sleep after that.
Needless to say, the star chart has been pulled down. The stars have all now been happily stuck on paper – with a little help from Mum. And I guess that potty training might have to wait a little longer.
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Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
Health Focus
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Take child to the toilet with you. Praise yourself.
Suggest that now she's a big girl child might like to go on the toilet, too.
Act nonchalantly about the whole thing. Leave for while if child seems disinterested, within a day or two try again.
Mention child she knows, he/she's a big boy/girl now, uses the big toilet and doesn't have a nappy anymore.
Just be calm. Children don't always do what we say but they generally like to copy and LOVE verbal praise.
Forget about rewarding child for everything just assume things will happen as a matter of course.
She'll come around. She's manipulating you, children are very clever, very early.
Good luck, you'll get there.
katyzzz
Comment by Candice
Yes, I'm sure she picked up on the fact that I wasn't really comfortable with the idea to begin with. I've always been much happier just offering praise when she helps out or does something I ask.
They're great ideas. Thanks, and I'll definitely give those tips a go - it seems much more logical to me too. I actually just gave her the choice of coming to the toilet with me today and she was happy to sit on the potty. I gave her lots of praise. Then she had a sit on her potty before her bath when I asked her if she wanted to and she did a wee. I gave her loads of praise again so I think you're dead right about that approach being more successful. Sometimes I question what I'm doing a bit too much I think!
Comment by Andrea
V8 Supercar Pitstop
Oh yes, I remember toilet training very well. My daughter picked it up really well but my son just couldn't get the hang of it at all. It was all just a matter of timing in the end. Once they were ready to sit on the toilet then they would.
Oh ... and a little bit of bribery worked wonders with my son too!!!
Just keep nudging her in the right direction ... she'll get there eventually.
A.H.
Comment by Hope
Gifted Parenting
Freelance For Life
Aaah, 2-year olds are a blast! This is the age when they start asserting a bit of independence from Mommy. When my daughter was that age i too tried to go by the book but I soon realized that each child is different. Someone very wise told me "Don't fuss too much, your daughter will learn when she's ready." And she's right.
Comment by Candice
Thanks for the encouragement, it can be hard to know if you're pushing things too fast or not, but we seem happier taking things a bit more slowly with regard to potty training.
Hi Hope,
Thanks for your comments. Yes, it's definitely a case of taking what works and forgetting the rest - as I'm quickly learning. That is a wise statement too about learning when she's ready and is helpful keep in mind.
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Yep, like Andrea, my daughter was a breeze, my son not so much.
I used to star chart with my son so he would start doing his poos in the potty instead of his undies.
He got a star for every time he did a poo in the potty. Get 5 stars, get a Thomas the Tank Engine train. He got the message. And he also almost gave himself hemorrhoids so he could get this train.
I've toilet trained 2 kids and I still don't think I'm any wiser when it comes to toilet training my 3rd.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Candice
It's a big one isn't it? I think offering a bribe type thing might be good down the track - but maybe I'll have to think of something other than the star chart. At the moment she's doing well with the potty at bath time, so we'll gradually build up from there. I think I might have rushed things a bit.
Thanks for sharing your story!